An open letter to Titus Young's 40 time

Dear Titus Young's 40 time,

Where are you? You have 4.23 seconds to show yourself or we're beating down Chadd Cripe's door to find you.

Sincerely,
OBNUG

An open letter to spring football

Dear spring football,

Boy are we glad you're here.

This offseason has been a long one for us considering the way last year ended. Plus, we had to deal with the Jeremy Childs suspension, players turning pro, injuries to David Shields and Kyle Wilson, and Fresno State being the WAC favorite despite their being Fresno State.

You couldn't have come at a better time, and we can't wait to have the Broncos back on the practice field. We're glad to have something to talk about besides Jeb Putzier's NFL career.

There are a lot of intriguing topics with this 2008 Bronco squad, and we hope that you will help clear up some of our questions. Or at least make the list shorter.

• Who will be the starting quarterback?
• Is Doug Martin the future? And is the future now?
• Who would win a battle of strengths between Byron Hout and Daron Mackey?
• Will Childs and Wilson be missed?
• Who is going to replace the linemen who graduated?
• Will the Vinny Perretta veer option offense that we scrawled on a napkin and mailed to coach Chris Peterson be on the practice sched?
• Did Austin Pettis get any faster?
• Did Jeron Johnson get any more durable?
• What is the deal with that Ian Johnson guy?

We'll be checking in as often as we can to see how things are going. Hopefully, you can give us some answers to these questions before we start making up conclusions on our own.

Oh, and one last thing. Can you stay around until late June? We can't stand the thought of four months without football.

Sincerely,

OBNUG team

An open letter to Ryan Clady's friends

Dear friends of Ryan Clady,

Put down the Guitar Hero and listen up: your gravy train is about to leave the station and you don’t want to miss it.

Ryan Clady will be a big-time NFL star in a couple of months, and he will be rich beyond his wildest dreams. In fact, he’ll have so much money, he won’t know what to do with it all.

That is where you come in. As a trusted and loyal friend, you deserve to mooch off his million dollar signing bonus. It is hard work being you, so get paid for it. Ryan will understand; after all, you are his friend.

If you haven’t talked to the guy in a couple weeks, stop whatever you are doing and dial him up right now. Your financial portfolio could be at stake. While you’re at it, tell him that you value his friendship and make up a story about how you protected his name when some punk kids were trying to slander him. He should appreciate that.

If for some reason, he is not feeling very generous come pay day, you may need to actually get a job with him. NFL athletes are always in need of some service, and becoming a rich star means outsourcing a lot of everyday tasks to others. Don’t worry; as a friend, he will expect far less from you than he would a stranger. Here are some possibilities for job openings in Ryan Clady’s entourage:

• Cook. Can you open a can of Beef-a-roni? Good. That’s a start. Now mix in some Spaghettio’s and call it carb-loading. He’ll like that.
  
• Masseuse. Are you an attractive friend of Ryan’s? Good. Then you won’t really need to know how to give a massage.
  
• Financial planner. Are you good at Texas Hold’em? Good. Gamble with his signing bonus and tell him you have invested it in Apple, circa 1995.
  
• Agent. Have you ever seen Deal or No Deal? Good. Being an agent is just like that, except contract figures are not usually given in suitcases.
  
• Bodyguard. Can you look like you bench press 400 pounds? Good. Even if you can’t actually bench that much, it shouldn’t matter; anyone would be stupid to pick on someone as big as Ryan Clady.
  
• Personal trainer. Do you own an ab roller? Good. Tell him you’ve invented a new kind of workout using just the ab roller, and throw in a lot of lines about “improving your core” just for good measure.
  
• Life coach. Have you ever given anyone advice? Good. Remember to tell him what he wants to hear and actively listen when he is sharing.
  
• Various posse. Do you not stick out in a crowd? Good. Just follow Ryan around and try not to get in the way of him having fun.

Well, what are you waiting for? Lesser-prepared mooches are already circling, so don’t miss your chance at monetary sloppy seconds. We’ve given you all the advice you need; now it is your turn to freeload like a pro.

Sincerely,
OBNUG team

An open letter to Sean Renfree

Dear Sean,

You are dead to us. We hope you throw 50 interceptions and get replaced midseason by a converted wide receiver.

Sincerely,
OBNUG team

Photo courtesy azcentral.com.

An open letter to Jeremy Childs

Dear Jeremy,

Your recent suspension from school is equal parts disappointing and deflating. Tim Gilligan would have never done this to us.

We understand that you are an athlete, and as an athlete, you are afforded certain privileges. You cut in line at the cafeteria, you get to talk to Chadd Cripe, and you can have people do your schoolwork for you. We get that. In fact, those reasons alone are why we didn't give up on our college football dreams until an embarrassing episode in our local gym made us realize we could never cut it.

So while we are not completely appalled at your plagiarism, we are still annoyed at what happened. How could you? How could you...get caught. We think that if you are going to cheat, you should make sure you cover all your bases. And that, Jeremy, is where you have let us down.

Well, we are here to help you. Specifically, we are here to help you cheat. Whoever you had writing papers for you in the past is obviously no good. We can provide original content, and while we do not guarantee good grades (we don't like reading), we can assure you that no one will ever mistake your work for someone else's.

We may not know a lot about a lot of things, but we certainly know a little about a lot of things. Here is a list of classes and potential papers that can be yours if you only ask:

Biology: Would someone cure cancer already?!
Chemistry: E=mc Hammer: the life and times of chemistry's brother from another mother
Sociology: Five billion people and we can't find anyone to get my order right at McDonald's?
Finance: What's the deal with subprime mortgages?
Economics: Benefits of the $3 bill
Health: What Powerade does for your body that a multivitamin never could (complete with visual aid)
Theater: Acting is for weirdos
Graphic design: Double entendres of the Nike logo

If you have additional classes that are not on this list, please let us know so that we can start doing research. We want you to succeed, and if that means doing a science project on hamsters, then we are more than willing to make that sacrifice.

All the best,

OBNUG team

Photo courtesy Idaho Statesman