Life Coach: did somebody say Lagoon?

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Life Coach,
I heard the WAC media convention was in Salt Lake City this year. How much time do you think the journalists spent at Lagoon?
Snoopy in Silverwood

Half to two-thirds. Unless you have a specific reason for being in Salt Lake – and the WAC media convention is not a real reason – then you will spend most of your time at Lagoon. I mean, for real – what’s not to like? There are rides, carnival games, candy apples, and Mormon hotties. Lagoon is the Disneyland of the Great Salt Basin – minus the cleanliness and joy.

But I hear that that weekend is going to be “Lagoon: Get WACd!” Journalists are going to go crazy.

Life Coach,
In regards to new Bronco radio color guy Jadon Dailey, should it matter that he has as much announcing experience as I do?
Sincerely, guy who has never announced anything ever


It only matters when he messes up. Anytime he makes a mistake or isn’t funny or spot-on with a comment – we will all say to each other, “Man, how old is this guy? I could do this way better than this little kid, respectively.” But if he is awesome, then we will all be like, “It is great having a fresh perspective in the booth. This guy is so much better than David Augusto!"

So should it matter that Jadon Dailey has as much announcing experience as you do? Only time will tell…

Life Coach,
I am a Boise state alum and citizen of Bronco Nation who unfortunately had to leave our beloved state capitol to pursue a graduate degree at Idaho State University. I can see the Idaho State football team practice through the windows of my classes and can't help but weep at the thought that I have to wait another month until I can watch Boise State smear them across the new Blue field turf. I was wondering... since it was brought to my attention that Boise state is supposed to beat Idaho State by like 44 points (according to some odds wizards out there), is that a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, if we win by 43, did we let everyone down? Should we hang our heads in shame if we only beat Idaho State by 6 touchdowns? Please put this in perspective for me.
Perplexed in Pocatello

First of all, this is a great problem to have. I remember the worries of BSU fans used to be a lot scarier when we were getting our you-know-what's handed to us by South Carolina and Arkansas and almost every Big Sky team. So if we keep this in perspective – really, it is not a problem at all.

But, on a personal note, if we only win by 43, we should count that as a moral loss because Idaho State will be counting that as a moral victory.

And now that we are good, we hate moral victories.

Life Coach: the ABC's of LaTech's offense

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Life Coach,
I'm curious. If the Broncos are running the "Q" offense, then what offense is Louisiana Tech running?
Intrigued in Idaho City

Good question, friend. Louisiana Tech's offense is the Chinese character for slothfulness, which looks kind of like a panda captaining a sailboat. Occasionally, they'll switch to running the “lowercase u” offense: an obvious homage to the fact that their offense always comes behind BSU’s.

Dear Life Coach,
Do you have Oregon tickets?
Desperate in Driggs

I am one of the lucky few to have some Oregon tickets, and I didn’t have to be a prominent BSU booster or win a ticket in the lottery, either. How did I do it? Let me tell you.

I guess Phil Knight and Nike thought it would be a good idea for Oregon to wear a different jersey design for each quarter during the game, so they had a contest for fans to send in their design ideas with the winner getting tickets to the game. Lo and behold, my design won! So I will be there on the 50 yard line to see the Ducks in their tapestry green with ruffles and lace. What a third quarter that will be!

If you still need tickets, I hear they might be looking for an overtime jersey design.

Mr. Life Coach,
If KTIK stands for “the Ticket,” then what does KIDO stand for?
Sincerely, Bob Behler

If KTIK is the “the Ticket,” then KIDO should have the nickname of “the Program.” If KTIK can get you in the door with “the Ticket”, then KIDO would be the “the Program” that you get at the door that gives you all of the information for what is going on there. KIDO is newsy like that.

Although, if this nickname sticks, they will probably have to change their call letters to KPRG, which doesn't quite roll of the tongue as easily.

Life Coach: Winco sightings and family visits

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Dear Life Coach,
Which is more awesome: seeing Titus Young at WinCo or seeing my family at Thanksgiving?
Starstruck in Star

I would say that it would be seeing Titus Young at WinCo. My man Titus is from Los Angeles. I am not sure if he is from the Hollywood part of L.A. or from the other parts, but I am going to doubt that he has ever seen a WinCo before. So I think that it is probably as exciting for him as it is for you.

But it all depends on the time. I mean, if it is 3:30 in the afternoon and you see him shopping in WinCo for some dorm food – that's one thing. I might actually rather see my family at Thanksgiving than see that. But if it is like 3:30 in the morning the night after a game and you see him limping into WinCo because he is having a post-game craving of Doritos – that is something altogether different. I would gladly spend Thanksgiving cold and alone if I could see that.

Especially if Zabransky or K.C. Adams was in the car waiting for him.

Quick question, Life Coach,
Where does the BCS rank on the spectrum of tyrannical crimes against humanity? Before apartheid or after?
Insensitive in Idaho City

For the record, I do not ever want to put the BCS ranking being ANYWHERE NEAR apartheid or any other crimes against humanity. As Americans, we need to figure out how to separate sports from reality. During Apartheid people were brutally marginalized, unfairly imprisoned, and sometimes killed – and this took place over decades. During BCS, ummm, we sometimes don't get a clear cut college football champion.

So...

Next question please.

Hey, Life Coach,
I recently read on OBNUG that Boise State is getting 100-to-1 odds to win the national title. Should I jump on that?
Sincerely, Charles Barkley

Charles, if you jumped on the Boise State bandwagon, you would smoosh it. Because you are so big! (hahhahahahahaha, hehehheee…)

All joking aside, Charles, you should definitely wager as much money as you can on the Broncos. Even though I can guarantee that you do not know where to locate Boise on a map, you should just trust us. Trust us. Trust the WAC. Trust your gambling instincts. Look where they have gotten you so far.

Also, Charles, you should call your friend D-Wade and have him bet BSU, too… and then you should make a commercial out of it.

The Life Coach: you need to get that looked at

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Dear Life Coach,
My blue body paint from the New Mexico State game still hasn't worn off. Should I consult my physician?
Lead-Poisoned in Lewiston

My short answer is,“Yes.” Actually, it is an immediate and worried, “Yes.” But your question actually brings up some deeper issues.

1) Did you go to the game painted entirely blue by yourself? Or did you have an orange friend as well? If so, you might want to bring your friend with you to the doctor.
2) Ummmm, are you sure it was paint and not possibly sealant?
3) I am pretty sure the New Mexico State game was about five months ago. Have you really been blue all this time and for some reason just not been worried until this week?

My friend, I would suggest three things. Go see a doctor. Go see a shrink. And try a large funny Boise State hat or a nice sweater or something. Maybe people won't notice.

Life Coach Sir,
My wife and I will be attending a formal dinner on Saturday night, and we need some help with our wardrobe. I would like to wear a Boise State jumpsuit with a giant orange wig, and my wife would like to wear her pink Kyle Wilson replica jersey. My question: is all Boise State apparel fashionable and acceptable for any occasion?
Tacky in Twin Falls

Little known fact, there is actually only one occasion where Boise State apparel is neither fashionable nor acceptable: church. We need God on our side. Don’t make Him mad. Save the BSU stuff for later. Wear the khakis. Wear the button-up. Wear the tie. Leave the pink Kyle Wilson jersey at home…for God’s sake.

Life Coach,
Who would win a cage match between Buster Bronco, the Carl's Jr. mascot, the Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone, and the Idaho Powerball?
Sincerely, the Coca-Cola Bear

This would be a great fight, and I would hope that it would be broadcast on that 24/7 channel thing. Here’s how it would play out:

The Idaho Powerball would have to get lucky in order to win. He’s got like 140 million to 1 odds.

The Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone would do well to start, but then he would get tired and his battery would just run out towards the end of the fight – rendering him useless.

Now, Buster Bronco would be able to put up quite a fight. But I am going to disqualify him because he is more of a centaur (I mean, come on, he walks on two legs) than a bronco. But, after a while, he would get tired and just lie down or eat oats or something.

The winner would be the Carl’s Jr. mascot. And he would win for two reasons. First, his whole slogan is that “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Eating”. If he’s that angry when he is eating a hamburger, can you imagine how angry he would be in an actual fight? Wow. Secondly, I am pretty that stars have excellent balance thanks to their five-sidedness. Therefore, you could never really knock him down. You could punch him all day, and he would just bounce right back up.

So, put all of your money on Carl’s Jr. And then don’t bother him.

The Life Coach: Ian Johnson=chick magnet

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Dear Life Coach,
I am a girl who loves Boise State football but does not love Ian Johnson. Do I exist?
Confused in Caldwell

No, you don’t. Ian Johnson is the equivalent of Justin Timberlake for N’SYNC. No fourteen-year-old girl watched N’SYNC for Joey or Billy or whoever the other guys were. They watched N’SYNC for Justin. Just like every girl who is a BSU fan watches Boise State football because of Ian Johnson. There is nothing else there to attract them.

You think there are tweeners who just love the beat and feel of N’SYNC’s music? No way. You think there are girls out there who love BSU football for its offensive ingenuity and ability to get big third down stops? No way.

Nearly every girl who watches BSU simply watches because they are hoping that Ian Johnson somehow dumps his wife and asks them to marry him on national TV. Or because they like the blue turf.

Life Coach,
What is an appropriate response to seeing Marty Tadman in the Boise Towne Square Mall Pro Image? I hope you will say "shriek like a little girl, have him sign your undershirt, ask him to be the godparent of your as-yet-to-be-born child and steal a sample of his hair while he's not looking...you know, for cloning purposes." I ask out of curiosity, not out of past incidence.
Creepy in Coeur d'Alene

Just as Marty Tadman is a very unique individual, there is not one response that is uniquely appropriate when seeing Marty in a Pro Image at the mall. Varied responses are acceptable, BUT there is a basic framework that you should try to stay within.

Only scream or gasp once – preferably upon initial realization or contact. Prolonged shrieks and gasps are unsightly and unacceptable.

You may notice his tattoos, but under no circumstances are you to touch them or ask him to show you every tattoo that he has. I mean, he knows they're awesome. That’s why he got them.

Don’t do anything you would regret if your grandmother was watching.

Don’t do anything that would normally require a lawyer (i.e. giving him your kidney, becoming a legalized guardian, stealing his hat, etc.)

Finally, upon departure, do not give him lingering looks through the display window. Marty hates this. It creeps him out. Just be a man and walk away. Walk away.

Mr. Life Coach,
Where does the line for the Kellen Moore bandwagon start?
Jeff Caves in Boise

Start? Where does it end? That’s the question.

There are so many people already a part of this lefty’s fan base that he might be able to form a legitimate mutiny if he doesn’t start. His boyish features and unique style soften the heart of the elderly and inspire those of the younger generation. The Kellen Moore bandwagon is currently a tricked out Honda Element, and there is a long line to get into that compact SUV.

So, my friend, the question is not where does it start. The question is: Where does it end? Because you need to get in line.

New feature: the Life Coach

In the spirit of original content, we will be starting a new feature next week: an advice column for Bronco fans! "The Life Coach" will be a forum for questions, concerns, and quandaries relating to the everyday life of a Boise State aficionado. Sure, the column will probably devolve into rampant patting ourselves on the back, but doesn't everything here?

If you want to participate, shoot us an email at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.