The Life Coach: you need to get that looked at

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Dear Life Coach,
My blue body paint from the New Mexico State game still hasn't worn off. Should I consult my physician?
Lead-Poisoned in Lewiston

My short answer is,“Yes.” Actually, it is an immediate and worried, “Yes.” But your question actually brings up some deeper issues.

1) Did you go to the game painted entirely blue by yourself? Or did you have an orange friend as well? If so, you might want to bring your friend with you to the doctor.
2) Ummmm, are you sure it was paint and not possibly sealant?
3) I am pretty sure the New Mexico State game was about five months ago. Have you really been blue all this time and for some reason just not been worried until this week?

My friend, I would suggest three things. Go see a doctor. Go see a shrink. And try a large funny Boise State hat or a nice sweater or something. Maybe people won't notice.

Life Coach Sir,
My wife and I will be attending a formal dinner on Saturday night, and we need some help with our wardrobe. I would like to wear a Boise State jumpsuit with a giant orange wig, and my wife would like to wear her pink Kyle Wilson replica jersey. My question: is all Boise State apparel fashionable and acceptable for any occasion?
Tacky in Twin Falls

Little known fact, there is actually only one occasion where Boise State apparel is neither fashionable nor acceptable: church. We need God on our side. Don’t make Him mad. Save the BSU stuff for later. Wear the khakis. Wear the button-up. Wear the tie. Leave the pink Kyle Wilson jersey at home…for God’s sake.

Life Coach,
Who would win a cage match between Buster Bronco, the Carl's Jr. mascot, the Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone, and the Idaho Powerball?
Sincerely, the Coca-Cola Bear

This would be a great fight, and I would hope that it would be broadcast on that 24/7 channel thing. Here’s how it would play out:

The Idaho Powerball would have to get lucky in order to win. He’s got like 140 million to 1 odds.

The Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone would do well to start, but then he would get tired and his battery would just run out towards the end of the fight – rendering him useless.

Now, Buster Bronco would be able to put up quite a fight. But I am going to disqualify him because he is more of a centaur (I mean, come on, he walks on two legs) than a bronco. But, after a while, he would get tired and just lie down or eat oats or something.

The winner would be the Carl’s Jr. mascot. And he would win for two reasons. First, his whole slogan is that “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Eating”. If he’s that angry when he is eating a hamburger, can you imagine how angry he would be in an actual fight? Wow. Secondly, I am pretty that stars have excellent balance thanks to their five-sidedness. Therefore, you could never really knock him down. You could punch him all day, and he would just bounce right back up.

So, put all of your money on Carl’s Jr. And then don’t bother him.

Ian Johnson shares cover of Athlon sports mag

The above image is the cover of the upcoming Athlon Sports college football preview issue. Personally, we would have preferred to see a four-headed manga monster of Johnson, D.J. Harper, Doug Martin, and Jeremy Avery on the cover. Then again, we don't have very good taste.

Pre-order your copy here.

Thursday: Links with nepotism

Story of the day:

Hawkins promises championship, metaphors at CU [Rocky Mtn News]

Former BSU coach (and current OBNUG Public Enemy #1) Dan Hawkins was back to his old Zen-like ways during a speech in Denver on Wednesday, but amidst a shower of metaphors, similes, idioms, and analogies, he dropped this burden on the CU football program:

"Our goal is to win a national championship at Colorado," Hawkins said, veering into his booster speech. "They laugh at that now, but you won't be laughing because we'll do it, at some point. I promise you that."

We'll believe it when we see it.

The best part of Hawkins speech, however, was not the blathering prediction. Great expectations were only a lead-in to a bevy of classic Hawkinisms. Enjoy.

"Sometimes you've got to be a potter. You've got your hands on the clay, softly, gently molding. And then other times you've got to be a blacksmith and put 'em in the fire and heat 'em up and pound on 'em."

...and...

"It takes all the people in this room, that we all support each other in this thing. As Nelson Mandela says, it's about ubuntu, that we're all in this together."

...and...

'The gutter always recruits. The gutter always needs reinforcements.'

...and...

"We have a saying: There's two types of class, there's first and there's no

...and one more...

"I always tell our guys that excellence is doing a common thing in an uncommon way, and I didn't make that up."

He ended the speech with, "Go play intramurals, brother."

Other links:

Akey responds to NCAA sanctions [Idaho Statesman]
His response: "We have to worry about academics, too?! We haven't even figured out this football thing yet!"

Will Boise State crash the BCS again? [Red Zone Report]
More importantly, are you really crashing the BCS if you're invited?

One man's BSU bowl prediction [NCAAbbs]
The Humanitarian Bowl? Versus Maryland? Great, now we're depressed.

Montana to the WAC? Not anytime soon.

The WAC needs a lot of things. Might a Big Sky team be one of them?

An interesting article from the Mizzoulian, a website for Montana University athletics, tackles the issue of the Grizzlies joining Division I-A football and possibly playing in the WAC. They would certainly raise the average winning percentage.

For the tenth year in a row, the Montana Grizzlies football team exited spring practices with the title of “reigning Big Sky Champions"... There’s one debate that reigns over all the rest. It’s something every passionate Griz fan has an opinion on: whether or not the Griz have grown too big and too good for this level of competition.

At the earliest, Montana could not join the WAC until 2011 thanks to an NCAA law capping the number of schools moving up to Division I-A. Shoot, by 2011, Idaho, Utah State, and New Mexico State might not even have viable football programs anymore. And the Broncos will be in the PAC-10.

The story, which ends up taking a decidedly negative tone on Montana's move, references a similar jump to I-A by Boise State and Idaho, even working in a snide jab at the Vandals suckiness.

In 1996, a similar packaged deal was made with Boise State and the University of Idaho. Boise State has excelled since the move with seven conference championships (two in the Big West and five in the WAC) and a Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma. Meanwhile, Idaho has struggled.

“Obviously, we would’ve liked to have been more competitive in our revenue sports,” Idaho Athletic Director Rob Spears said.

The University of Montana might not be able to move just yet, but judging by their Idaho snarkiness, the Grizzoulian would fit in just fine with us WAC media.

Should Montana move to the FBS? [Grizzoulian]

Wednesday: Links with progress

Story of the day

One more thing to dominate in the WAC [Idaho Press-Tribune]

The NCAA released its annual report on academic progress, and the Broncos managed to take home the WAC championship in that, too.

Boise State’s Academic Performance Report grades, issued by the NCAA, was tops in the WAC and means the Broncos are not in danger of losing scholarships because of academic shortcomings.

Boise State scored a 953, well above the baseline of 925. The next best WAC school was Fresno State. Can you say foreshadowing?!

As you'll read below, not every WAC school fared so well. The similarities to the regular season are quite striking.

Other links:

Idaho faces NCAA sanctions [Fight, Fight, BSU]
Vandals cut eight scholarships, mediocre high school Palouse athletes weep.

San Jose State may be ineligible for postseason [ESPN.com]
If the Spartans don't improve their academic score, they might not be allowed in the 2009 postseason. If they don't improve their offensive production, it won't really matter.

Yahoo's Boise State spring report [Yahoo Sports]
Their conclusion: the Broncos need to find a starting quarterback.

Preseason top 25 with no Fresno State [SI.com]
Thankfully, Stewart Mandel is not on the bandwagon. Also, Boise State gets a brief mention.

Boise State changes USU game time [Idaho Press-Tribune]
The Mountain West didn't do so well in the draft, either [Scott Slant]
WAC chooses to rewards its BCS teams less [Idaho Press-Tribune]

The rules are changing

Many new rules will be enforced for the next college football season. Some of them are good, some of them are bad, and none of them involve a playoff system. Maybe next year.

Courtesy of Rivals.com and ESPN.com, here is a look at the changes that will be in effect for the 2008 season.

Officials will have more freedom to penalize players who initiate any contact with the crown of their helmet.

• What this rule really says: Officials will have more freedom to emasculate and nitpick aggressive defensive players.
• How it affects BSU football: Jeron Johnson, Jason Robinson, and the rest of the Bronco secondary may just out-gain the opposing team with their penalty yards.

Officials will have more freedom to penalize players who target defenseless opponents above the shoulders.

• What this rule really says: The NCAA hates big hits.
• How it affects BSU football: No hitting "defenseless opponents"? How are the Broncos supposed to tackle Utah State players?

Eliminating the unintentional face-mask penalty.

• What this rule really says: Go ahead and grab the face-mask. Just don't break someone's neck or else we're penalizing you 15 yards.
• How it affects BSU football: We've always been bigger fans of the intentional face-mask anyway.

Adjusting the "chop block" rule to make it easier to understand and enforce.

• What this rule really says: Sorry, Glenn Dorsey.
• How it affects BSU football: Bronco linemen are not traditionally dirty. They are traditionally small, agile, and drafted into the NFL. Also, WAC D-linemen don't really necessitate chop blocks.

A penalty would be added for horse-collar tackles.

• What this rule really says: Tackle someone the proper way, except not with the crown of your helmet or by their face-mask or if they're defenseless.
• How it affects BSU football: It doesn't really.

Administering a 40-second clock to start play after a preceding play ends, and starting the clock on a referee's signal after a play goes out of bounds.

• What this rule really says: The NFL has some pretty good ideas about time management.
• How it affects BSU football: Considering the Broncos' possible no-huddle approach, the NCAA could have changed it to a 15-second clock and Boise State would have been fine.

Giving the receiving team the option to take possession at the 40-yard line after an out-of-bounds kickoff.

• What this rule really says: You're an NCAA kicker and you should be able to keep a kickoff within the field of play.
• How it affects BSU football: Teams may choose to kick out of bounds rather than let Ian Johnson, Doug Martin, and Co. bring back the kick. Starting at the 40 is a lot better than starting in the red zone.

Eliminating warnings for sideline control.

• What this rule really says: Don't celebrate in the end zone again, Georgia.
• How it affects BSU football: Hopefully, it will keep Pat Hill off the field.

Instant replay would be allowed on fumbles leading to immediate recoveries.

• What this rule really says: We have no faith in our referees.
• How it affects BSU football: Perhaps this rule will increase the number of forced turnovers. Then again, it might take some away, too. Bummer.
  

A coach who successfully challenges a play would retain the right to make one more challenge, for a maximum of two.

• What this rule really says: College football games aren't long enough as it is.
• How it affects BSU football: Is Coach Pete ever wrong? We don't think so. They might as well just give him two challenges to start the game.

Tuesday: Links with Engagement

Story of the day:

Non-BCS players to watch in 2008 [In the Bleachers]

We found this story interesting not only because it provides a handy guide to some potentially exciting players, but it also has a level-headed, sensible approach to the preseason WAC race.

After a quiet year in 2007 expect Johnson and Boise State to make another run in the WAC, where the departure of Colt Brennan and June Jones at Hawaii has suddenly left the conference wide open.

It sure is nice not having someone hand the title to Fresno State right away.

Ian Johnson is the lone BSU representative on the list, and he joins three other WAC players to watch. Not surprisingly, no Vandals were mentioned.

Other links:

Tadman in Jets camp [Idaho Statesman]
Oh, really, Statesman? It's about time you mentioned this. And thanks for not citing us as a source. Again.

Relating popular bands to their college team similes [Fight Fight BSU]
Conspicuously absent is Utah State. They always came across as a Scrantonicity to us.

Another case for Kellen Moore [Bleacher Report]
Written by Michael Hroma, which is probably an alias for Jeff Caves.

Scandrick impresses in Cowboys camp [Idaho Statesman]
The blogs have already hit on this, but we guess its not news until a newspaper covers it.

UH volleyball and football nearly double-booked [Honolulu Advertiser]
Crisis averted! Thank goodness they figured this one out.

Senior OL Woodruff picked in CFL Draft [Idaho Sports Zone]
Bronco golfer qualifies for regionals [Idaho Statesman]
Fresno recruiting cattle ranchers [ESPN.com]