Unsolicited Combine advice

Ryan Clady and Orlando Scandrick have their work cut out for them the next couple days at the NFL Scouting Combine. Fortunately, OBNUG is here to help. All those events--the poking, the prodding, the testing--can be a little overwhelming, so we thought we would provide our Bronco alumni with some pointers on how to turn a meat market audition into a million dollar payday.

40-yard dash: In high school P.E., our teacher always taught us to run like you were "holding a dime" because it helps you keep some sort of proper running form, which I guess is important. Well, using simple deductive reasoning, we have figured that you could go exponentially faster if you were "holding a quarter" or "holding an Eisenhower half-dollar." But why stop there? Why not hold a bar of gold or an imaginary sunken Pirate treasure chest? If you want to have a good 40 time, we suggest holding the largest pretend monetary item you can...and running fast.

Broad jump: At no point in your NFL career will you be standing perfectly still and be required to leap three feet forward. Therefore, you can pretty much blow off this drill.

Bench press: We have frequented many gyms in our day, so we know our way around dumbbells and free weights. We were never the biggest guy in the room, and we certainly weren't the ones lifting the most weight (although we may have set a record for squat machine reps on 50 pound resistance). However, we did notice that those big guys all had one thing in common: grunting. Letting out primal noises actually helped them lift heavier and heavier weights. A harumph, a wheeze, a yell--whatever sound you need to make to get those 225 pounds off your chest, feel free to let it out. We used tiny weakling grunts to get 175 pounds up the other day.

Vertical jump: Listen as we describe our process to the perfect vertical jump: start in a squatting position, rock up and down by bending your knees slightly, explode from your squat as if shot out of a cannon, scissors kick, reach both hands up over your head, and flail at the measuring flags on top of the vertical pole. If this fails, knock down the pole with your spread eagle landing, and you will probably get a redo.

Cone drill: People try and fail at the cone drill every day (we did on Thursday), so don't feel bad if you mess up your first time. Here's what you do: use your fake dyslexia as an excuse to be exempt from the cone drill, the shuttle drill, and taking your shirt off in public. If they ask any questions, fake deafness.

Wunderlic: The only way to really prepare for this sucker is to study. Here are some texts we recommend reading: Uncle John's Bathroom reader vol. 2, Rich Eisen's book, the dictionary, Who Moved My Cheese, Bridges of Madison County, the Indiana driver's manual, Harry Potter, and the Bible. That should cover your bases. Just in case, writing a weights and measurements table on your arm wouldn't hurt.

And there you have it. This little primer should help those difficult workouts seem a lot easier, and they will certainly help catch the eyes of NFL scouts.

You're welcome.