The Life Coach: you need to get that looked at

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Dear Life Coach,
My blue body paint from the New Mexico State game still hasn't worn off. Should I consult my physician?
Lead-Poisoned in Lewiston

My short answer is,“Yes.” Actually, it is an immediate and worried, “Yes.” But your question actually brings up some deeper issues.

1) Did you go to the game painted entirely blue by yourself? Or did you have an orange friend as well? If so, you might want to bring your friend with you to the doctor.
2) Ummmm, are you sure it was paint and not possibly sealant?
3) I am pretty sure the New Mexico State game was about five months ago. Have you really been blue all this time and for some reason just not been worried until this week?

My friend, I would suggest three things. Go see a doctor. Go see a shrink. And try a large funny Boise State hat or a nice sweater or something. Maybe people won't notice.

Life Coach Sir,
My wife and I will be attending a formal dinner on Saturday night, and we need some help with our wardrobe. I would like to wear a Boise State jumpsuit with a giant orange wig, and my wife would like to wear her pink Kyle Wilson replica jersey. My question: is all Boise State apparel fashionable and acceptable for any occasion?
Tacky in Twin Falls

Little known fact, there is actually only one occasion where Boise State apparel is neither fashionable nor acceptable: church. We need God on our side. Don’t make Him mad. Save the BSU stuff for later. Wear the khakis. Wear the button-up. Wear the tie. Leave the pink Kyle Wilson jersey at home…for God’s sake.

Life Coach,
Who would win a cage match between Buster Bronco, the Carl's Jr. mascot, the Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone, and the Idaho Powerball?
Sincerely, the Coca-Cola Bear

This would be a great fight, and I would hope that it would be broadcast on that 24/7 channel thing. Here’s how it would play out:

The Idaho Powerball would have to get lucky in order to win. He’s got like 140 million to 1 odds.

The Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone would do well to start, but then he would get tired and his battery would just run out towards the end of the fight – rendering him useless.

Now, Buster Bronco would be able to put up quite a fight. But I am going to disqualify him because he is more of a centaur (I mean, come on, he walks on two legs) than a bronco. But, after a while, he would get tired and just lie down or eat oats or something.

The winner would be the Carl’s Jr. mascot. And he would win for two reasons. First, his whole slogan is that “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Eating”. If he’s that angry when he is eating a hamburger, can you imagine how angry he would be in an actual fight? Wow. Secondly, I am pretty that stars have excellent balance thanks to their five-sidedness. Therefore, you could never really knock him down. You could punch him all day, and he would just bounce right back up.

So, put all of your money on Carl’s Jr. And then don’t bother him.

Ian Johnson shares cover of Athlon sports mag

The above image is the cover of the upcoming Athlon Sports college football preview issue. Personally, we would have preferred to see a four-headed manga monster of Johnson, D.J. Harper, Doug Martin, and Jeremy Avery on the cover. Then again, we don't have very good taste.

Pre-order your copy here.

Thursday: Links with nepotism

Story of the day:

Hawkins promises championship, metaphors at CU [Rocky Mtn News]

Former BSU coach (and current OBNUG Public Enemy #1) Dan Hawkins was back to his old Zen-like ways during a speech in Denver on Wednesday, but amidst a shower of metaphors, similes, idioms, and analogies, he dropped this burden on the CU football program:

"Our goal is to win a national championship at Colorado," Hawkins said, veering into his booster speech. "They laugh at that now, but you won't be laughing because we'll do it, at some point. I promise you that."

We'll believe it when we see it.

The best part of Hawkins speech, however, was not the blathering prediction. Great expectations were only a lead-in to a bevy of classic Hawkinisms. Enjoy.

"Sometimes you've got to be a potter. You've got your hands on the clay, softly, gently molding. And then other times you've got to be a blacksmith and put 'em in the fire and heat 'em up and pound on 'em."

...and...

"It takes all the people in this room, that we all support each other in this thing. As Nelson Mandela says, it's about ubuntu, that we're all in this together."

...and...

'The gutter always recruits. The gutter always needs reinforcements.'

...and...

"We have a saying: There's two types of class, there's first and there's no

...and one more...

"I always tell our guys that excellence is doing a common thing in an uncommon way, and I didn't make that up."

He ended the speech with, "Go play intramurals, brother."

Other links:

Akey responds to NCAA sanctions [Idaho Statesman]
His response: "We have to worry about academics, too?! We haven't even figured out this football thing yet!"

Will Boise State crash the BCS again? [Red Zone Report]
More importantly, are you really crashing the BCS if you're invited?

One man's BSU bowl prediction [NCAAbbs]
The Humanitarian Bowl? Versus Maryland? Great, now we're depressed.