Public Enemy #1: Robb Akey's case

OBNUG is in the process of deciding who should be this website's most hated villain. We'll be presenting the cases for all of the candidates over the next few weeks. Enjoy.

Robb Akey

Idaho head coach Robb Akey has his hands full turning around a moribund program that might be better off in I-AA. Nevertheless, Akey perseveres with his blind faith, his optimistic spirit, and most importantly, his mustache.

There are plenty of things to dislike about the man: his attitude, his smugness, the fact that his first name has more "b"'s than the Vandals have wins. But when it comes right down to it, Akey is reviled by OBNUG because of that larger-than-life caterpillar taking residence under his nose.

Like a rotund Samwise Gamgee accompanying Akey on his epic quest, the mustache is a willing partner to the coaching travails of Idaho's head man. Through wins and losses (but mostly losses), it rests on his cheeky grin, experiencing the highs and lows like a hairy best friend. And it drives us mad.

It bothers us. It taunts us. And it drives our curiosity. Just what is the deal with that nose beard? We would like some answers.

• What is hiding in that mustache?
  Akey's face rug could very well be used as a safe-deposit box of goodies, like a backpack for the nose. We imagine that Akey keeps the following things hidden in the follicle forest: gameplans, leftover bits of egg salad sandwiches, Nathan Enderle, and a wall calendar of the Palouse.
  
• Does the mustache have special powers?
  To keep such an obvious hygiene malfeasance around, Akey must be aware of some hidden powers to his mustache. Yet these powers obviously have no practical use in the real world, otherwise the Vandals would be a much better team and Akey would have a much better job. We think the mustache's special power is crosswords.
  
• What would happen if the mustache was gone?
  We think that Akey's lip hat is actually holding his face together.
  
• Does the mustache have a free will?
  This question delves into an area that we are not quite prepared to know about. We would prefer to stay with surface issues, like what is the mustache’s name and when is too much Just for Men too much.

Our obligation to detest Akey can be traced back to our obligation to detest all things Vandals.

Our obligation to nominate Akey for OBNUG Public Enemy #1 status? Purely the mustache.