The Life Coach: you need to get that looked at

The Life Coach believes that there are no stupid questions, just stupid Vandal fans who ask questions. His purpose is to shepherd Bronco Nation to the calm waters of illumination, guiding them through their perfunctory problems with grace, flair, and competent advice. Got a question for the Life Coach? Email him at OneBroncoNationUnderGod@gmail.com.

Dear Life Coach,
My blue body paint from the New Mexico State game still hasn't worn off. Should I consult my physician?
Lead-Poisoned in Lewiston

My short answer is,“Yes.” Actually, it is an immediate and worried, “Yes.” But your question actually brings up some deeper issues.

1) Did you go to the game painted entirely blue by yourself? Or did you have an orange friend as well? If so, you might want to bring your friend with you to the doctor.
2) Ummmm, are you sure it was paint and not possibly sealant?
3) I am pretty sure the New Mexico State game was about five months ago. Have you really been blue all this time and for some reason just not been worried until this week?

My friend, I would suggest three things. Go see a doctor. Go see a shrink. And try a large funny Boise State hat or a nice sweater or something. Maybe people won't notice.

Life Coach Sir,
My wife and I will be attending a formal dinner on Saturday night, and we need some help with our wardrobe. I would like to wear a Boise State jumpsuit with a giant orange wig, and my wife would like to wear her pink Kyle Wilson replica jersey. My question: is all Boise State apparel fashionable and acceptable for any occasion?
Tacky in Twin Falls

Little known fact, there is actually only one occasion where Boise State apparel is neither fashionable nor acceptable: church. We need God on our side. Don’t make Him mad. Save the BSU stuff for later. Wear the khakis. Wear the button-up. Wear the tie. Leave the pink Kyle Wilson jersey at home…for God’s sake.

Life Coach,
Who would win a cage match between Buster Bronco, the Carl's Jr. mascot, the Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone, and the Idaho Powerball?
Sincerely, the Coca-Cola Bear

This would be a great fight, and I would hope that it would be broadcast on that 24/7 channel thing. Here’s how it would play out:

The Idaho Powerball would have to get lucky in order to win. He’s got like 140 million to 1 odds.

The Verizon Wireless giant puffy phone would do well to start, but then he would get tired and his battery would just run out towards the end of the fight – rendering him useless.

Now, Buster Bronco would be able to put up quite a fight. But I am going to disqualify him because he is more of a centaur (I mean, come on, he walks on two legs) than a bronco. But, after a while, he would get tired and just lie down or eat oats or something.

The winner would be the Carl’s Jr. mascot. And he would win for two reasons. First, his whole slogan is that “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Eating”. If he’s that angry when he is eating a hamburger, can you imagine how angry he would be in an actual fight? Wow. Secondly, I am pretty that stars have excellent balance thanks to their five-sidedness. Therefore, you could never really knock him down. You could punch him all day, and he would just bounce right back up.

So, put all of your money on Carl’s Jr. And then don’t bother him.

An open letter to the Blue Turf Towel guy

Dear Blue Turf guy,

We are sorry to hear about your recent legal troubles involving copyright infringement, idea mongering, and trademark pillaging. The lawsuit from Boise State in regards to your assault on their intellectual, turf-y property is bad news for you, but it is also hard on all of us trying to ride the coattails of Boise State's success. You have made the knock-off, Boise State curio market that much harder for the rest of us.

When Boise State University cracked down on your operation, they did so in such a swift, decisive way that we are scared to even speak the name Lyle Smith Field without first receiving written authorization from a BSU employee. Take a look at the language used in their lawsuit:

The lawsuit said the school "enjoys substantial trademark and trade dress rights arising from its long and continuous usage of words, color and imagery of blue turf to identify and promote the goods and services at and through Boise State University." (Blue Turf's) unlicensed usage "constitutes unfair and unlawful exploitation of Boise State University's reputation and goodwill," the lawsuit said.

The lawsuit said Blue Turf Towels owner David James Armstrong, after "notice and objections" from the university, continued to sell the towels that had "same or confusingly similar blue color and imagery as Boise State university's blue turf."

Our bedroom has "same or confusingly similar blue color and imagery as Boise State University's blue turf." Uh-oh.

We mourn the loss of your self-proclaimed "World Famous" souvenir, and although we never purchased one, we feel that the $6.95 price tag speaks more to the satiated demand market rather than making any statement about quality or durability. That said, we still don't like you.

Your gross mishandling of your product has wasted the faith and goodwill of Boise State. Not only is your future in Blue Turf washcloths, Blue Turf dishrags, and Blue Turf kerchiefs gone forever, you have seriously hurt the chances for the rest of us to ply our trade in parasitical business practices. We had some good products in mind, too.

• New Testament Marty Tadman Translation (excerpt: "Thou shalt not misread double coverage lest thou shallt be intercepted thusly")
• Blue and orange shampoo and conditioner
• Edible Fiesta Bowl trophies
• Ryan Clady Superman pjs (with footies and without)
• Stained-glass Buster Bronco ikons
• Paul J. Schneider pronunciation guide

Now you have essentially ruined any chance of these products coming to fruition. You and your blue towels have seriously hampered business for BSU third-party merch, and to what end? Graphic-intensive, non-washable fabric swatches? Market share on blue towels? Entrepreneurism? All you had to do was ask permission from BSU, and this whole thing might have never happened.

Now Coach Pete's Bathroom Reader Vol. 2 will never see the light of day, and that will be on your conscience.

Sincerely,
OBNUG

Pre-order BSU's 2007 team DVD? No thanks

The Bronco book store is offering BSU fans the opportunity to pre-order the 2007 Boise State football team video, which would include crushing losses, disappointing running back performances, and failed expectations. But you could never tell from the product description!

On the heels of easily the greatest season in school history, and with the buzz still prominent from the historic overtime victory over Oklahoma in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, the 2007 Boise State Football team set out to continue a recent trend of on-field success.

And then we played a BCS-conference team on the road.

Needless to say, owning this DVD is not high on our list of priorities.

2007 Season DVD [Boise State book store]